The horror! The horror! We’re actually witnessing the return of the Nissan Juke — but only in Europe, thank goodness

There are plenty of vehicles to which I am indifferent. But there are very few that I outright despise. However, the Nissan Juke, to which the U.S. market was traumatically subjected through nine model years from its 2010 debut until it was mercifully phased out in 2018, is one of the rare exceptions.

I was never able to fully pin down the precise reasons why the Nissan Juke, of all vehicles, filled me with such revulsion. There isn’t a single other car I can recall being able to say this about: seeing a Nissan Juke actually makes me angry.

And I found it utterly inexplicable that the same automaker that gave us wondrous generations of Skylines, GTRs, and Z-Cars, not to mention a mostly admirable line of luxury vehicles under the Infiniti marque, could produce something as abominable as the Nissan Juke.

What was it? Was it the strangely proportioned, stout and stubby design of the subcompact 2-door crossover? Was it the oddly bloated wheel arches that made the vehicle seem to be failing woefully in an effort look contrarian, ironic, or rebellious, perhaps in some ill-conceived attempt to appeal to supposed sensibilities of the Millennial generation?

To this day, I can’t say for sure.

And how did I react when I stumbled over the announcement issued earlier this month by Nissan’s European press office that “an all-new Nissan Juke” was being unveiled?

My entire being shuddered in a mix of terror, disbelief, and nausea, until I was able to confirm that there are apparently no plans to retrieve the Nissan Juke from the lake of fire into which the model was rightfully cast in the United States last year.

So, what about this new Nissan Juke in the European market?

Surprisingly, from what I can see in the press materials, it’s actually quite a few notches less awful than its hideous predecessor. The bizarre wheel arches are gone, giving the fenders a much more refined, streamlined look.

That said, most of the stubby vibe of the original Nissan Juke’s overall proportions still remains.  It just isn’t as starkly exaggerated, and that likely owes in large part to editing the wheel arches out.

The interior actually looks kind of sharp and sporty in its own way. And the design of the instrument panel and vents does have its appeal. While the red on black color scheme of the example in the press photos isn’t personally to my liking, I can understand its appeal to youthful segments of the market in search of a flashy look.

And Nissan also deserves credit for the availability of a 6-speed manual paired up with the 1.0 liter, turbocharged three-cylinder engine (yes, I said three-cylinder). A seven-speed dual-clutch paddle-shift transmission is also available.

But with even with those few relatively positive remarks I’ve felt obliged to make about this new European incarnation, I’m still glad the Juke is not returning to the United States.

And I hope it never does.

Just hearing the name again is traumatic enough.